Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
