it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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