there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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