my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
