The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
