I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
