did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
