i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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