He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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