the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
