They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
