Just took my morning after pill in the library
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
