you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
