Where are you?
In a non slutty way
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
