Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
