is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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