did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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