Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
