I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
