you guys were way drunker than both of me
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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