Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
