there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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