turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
