Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
