Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
