no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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