where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sext me about skeletons
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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