You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
