My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
