whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
