the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
