Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
