2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
farters have to be the big spoon...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
