Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
