you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
