I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Actions speak louder than pants.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
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