Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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