So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
