I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
