Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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