seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
