Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
