Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
