Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
