Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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