Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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