i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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