Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
