Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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