Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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