i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You smell like stripper and shame
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
