I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
