Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
